If at first you don't succeed, play against smaller children.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

When your dreams turn to dust... vacuum.

SEX IS NOT THE ANSWER! Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

Life and death are very similar. Both come without warning, and both are a pain in the ass.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

When death comes knocking at your door, say you have to go to the bathroom. Then run like hell.

Nothing is as easy as it looks, everything takes longer than you think it will, and if anything can go wrong, it will. -Murphy's Law